Film Science

Now is the time for some serious science. As suggested below, I am on a mission to discover the perfect film to make indoor trainer cycling as painless as possible. After some intense thought, input from experts, and a few too many cups of coffee, I have a plan.

Step 1: Hypothesis
The perfect cycling trainer movie will include: a rockin' soundtrack, minimal plot complexity, a high score on the "excitement index", and dialogue that is both memorable and amusing without requiring the viewer's full attention.

Step 2: The Variables
Subjective
Soundtrack (from soporific to rockin')
Excitement Index (Dialogue to Action ratio)
Plot Complexity (lower is preferable)
Dialogue (from dry to witty)
Eye Candy (includes all types of visual stimulation)
Watchability (Based on Entertainment Value scale)

Objective
Length: Minutes
Epoch: Year
(Target) Audience
Previously Viewed (Yes/No)

Step 3: Experimental Design

• 2-3 movies per session
• Minimum of 45 minutes on the trainer per film
• Test one genre per session
• Minimum of two test subjects per session
• Rate each movie for each variable using the scale below
  

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The Universal Crap-Awesome Rating Scale

1. Crappy
2. Meh
3. Yes.
4. Groovy
5. Awesome!

Extreme examples of Crappy and Awesome will be included with the application of the intensifier "Epic" i.e. "Epically Crappy" or "Epically Awesome"

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The Entertainment Value Scale: Sample Films
Please Note: This scale is based entirely on personal preference and should be adjusted for each viewer accordingly.

1. Evolution, Starship Troopers, Wrinkle in Time (Made for TV), Lake Placid
2. Transformers, The Village, Mean Girls, Die Another Day
3. Fifth Element, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lion King, Bridget Jones' Diary, Unbreakable
4. Serenity, Sixth Sense, The Matrix, Notting Hill, Cars, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Dogma
5. Chicago, Gladiator, As Good As It Gets, Toy Story, Pride & Prejudice (BBC version)
   

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Several (read: too many) genres have been identified for testing. As each is tested the results will be posted for consideration, criticism, and your entertainment. This is an ongoing process and revisions will be made to the experimental design as needed. Once all the films and variables have been tested to the extent of my patience and interest in the project, the final results will be tallied and the ultimate cycling trainer movie equation will be revealed. I know, you can hardly stand the suspense. I understand, but remember: You can't rush science!

Trainers

I hate riding indoors. I don't know anyone would actually rather be stuck inside going nowhere than outside enjoying the open roads. Unless, of course, those open roads are covered in ice, there are 50mph headwinds, or rain so torrential that you don't even need to shower when you get home. Weather is not always my friend.

With this in mind, I am trying to discover how to make indoor trainer time as painless as possible. This is not an easy task, but one of my main weapons against boredom is movies. What kind of movies you might ask? That is precisely what my latest experiment is trying to discover. For instance, I have tried: Casino Royale, Batman Begins, Pride and Prejudice, Down With Love, Moulin Rouge, Live Free or Die Hard, and many others. As you can imagine, some of these worked better than others.

Previously, I would just pick a movie at random depending on my mood and what was available. Now, I am systematically going through genres in an attempt to find the ideal trainer movie. The first genre to be tested: underdog sports movies. As a cyclist with more enthusiasm than skill, I am an underdog. And cycling is a sport. Therefore, these movies should allow me to identify with the characters and really get into the story. Plus, there's usually a lot more action than plot. The movies of choice: The Cutting Edge, Cool Runnings and The Mighty Ducks. I realize some people might be embarrassed to walk into a video store and rent those three movies, but remember, this was for science.

The verdict? Excellent. I didn't have to pay attention, because I already knew what was going to happen. They all had remarkably bad, but upbeat, soundtracks to keep me pedaling and when I did pay attention I could laugh at whatever was going on. I deem this phase of the experiment a success. Despite the embarrassment.

Next up: Dancing movies. Similar to the underdog sports movies, but with more inspiring soundtracks.